It's been over a year since my brother told me that. And at first it upset me, because I was so sure that he was wrong. I was special I was different. I was not like them my family the people we came from.I had not succumb to the poison that ran through our veins and ruined our family. I was not a useless drunk that cared more for the drink then my kids or spouse. I did not become pregnant at 16, I did not beat my kids. I did not cheat on my husband. I did not go out and sell myself for drugs. I did quit school, and yes I did try to drink and smoke pot with them, and had they accepted me I might have been more likely to be a looser like they are now. Instead I got my GED and I went to college, I worked instead of giving up, I make mistakes almost daily and own up to them. I sought professional help to deal with the abuse from my past.
I found a good man and married him, I take care of my boys. It's hard. Sometimes I feel so angry I want to hurt someone I want to scream and hit to strike out....but I don't. I have never harmed my children as I was harmed. I sometimes go without new clothes to make sure they have it. I make sure they eat so that I may not always be full. I try to install in them good manners, to be thoughtful of others and treat them as they would want to be treated. With Stef I think I am doing that. Devon it's going to take a little more work. I think like me he forgets that sometimes words hurt more then hands and that in calling names you should think about what you say before you say it.
I now am trying to find work to take some pressure off my husband. He has been working to support us for 10 years. It's stressful and annoying not having enough money not being able to give my children more not being able to give him more. So we both want to have them know what it's like to have more then what we have. I have not been able to find a job in over 8 months. I am going back to another school they might have me work as a work study program in the financial aid office. It's some money more then I have now. I have to do something Or we will loose everything again and we probably won't survive it together again. I don't want to loose my family. But I wanted this house. I knew what it cost us. I knew the risks. I know in order to keep it I need to work. I have to find a job to help Scott. I need to have a job to get out of the house too. I will do my part. Being married means we are in this together, not turn against the other.
I think now I am not special I am not talented I can not sing or dance. I can't draw or paint....I always thought I could write but I see now that is just a dream never going to be. So no I am no one special in the face in the world. I am just a worker ant. A want to be, I want to be something more then this.Trapped with out a job and sliding into debt. In that he was right I am not special. I am ordinary. If because he can draw makes him special gives him reason to drink blame others for his mistakes and act like a child I would rather not be special. It bothers me that I am having trouble finding a job. I also think that it stinks that my brother thinks he is better then me because he is able to draw he is special...although I ask this, what has he done with it? Nothing. He was going to school for it then just stopped because he was not able to draw people. He can draw cartoons big deal he can draw what others already do, nothing original or new. Maybe he should stop trying to be special and try being a good person.
I can take care of my kids I am there everyday. I can be both the fun parent and the disciplinarian.My kids might not have 300.00 dollars worth of school clothes (He has one daughter that is so spoiled she does not appetite anything she gets) and lots of toys but they have clothes and toys they have both mom and dad with them that loves each other. They have a home and we are trying to keep them safe. They now have friends that come over and play they are happy and safe. They don't have to worry about being hit. They don't have to worry about someone touching them in a way that is not right. They have pets and when we have money we get to take them places. No it's not often as it used to be since we are paying more where we live. We are able to get their teeth fixed now though They go to the Doctors when needed. If there is a problem they can come and talk to us if anything is bothering them or if they are in a good mood.
No I may not be special, I don't draw, I don't drink. My husband don't drink. We don't beat our kids. We don't cheat. We don't do drugs. We do talk to the boys. We do talk to each other. I don't really talk to the part of my family that does drink or do drugs the boys don't go around them. I hope as they grow older they will not fall in with the people that lead them to the bad things in life. If they question it I hope they can talk to us. As someone not special then I pray my kids are just as not special and live a remarkable life.
My thing that made me smile today is something silly Stefan actually told me a funny joke... here goes.
Him "Whats your name?"
Me "Mom"
Him "What's this?" *point's to his nose*
Me "Nose"
Him "Nothing"
Me "Huh?"
Him "Get it?.... mom knows nothing!!"
He has only been telling me jokes for about 6 yrs and finially got one right and funny! way to go Stef!
